may 1 2019

Dear people i guess? 

I applaud you for trying to understand how I work, because the truth is I’m just as confused as you are. 

I used to think I knew exactly who I was. This past year I have doubted that statement more than ever. I have been knocked down so hard that I have been forced to deal with issues that I have avoided thinking about for my entire life. 

Sometimes it’s hard to think that things will get better or that I will ever feel happy again. Why? Because it is daunting to know that I have to deal with the feelings that I feel now that stem from my childhood. What are these feelings? 

When people say I love you or that they care about me I do not believe them. Why? Because people said I love you and that they cared about me only when I did something to make them happy and it served them. It was purely a selfish whenever they told me that. This made me feel from a young age that to get the attention from others and for them to like or love me I had to earn it. 

But, love isn’t selfish. Love is giving to others because you care about them. Sometimes love is loving someone even when they are being nasty and mean or in a really low place and can’t give you the same love and attention back in return. 

I understand what it means to love someone now, but I don’t know what it feels like for someone to genuinely love me. That isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m sorry to people who I have told they don’t love me because I’m sure you do but, in my head I doubt it. 

Another thing I feel is abandoned. This feeling of abandonment stems from early childhood when my biological mom walked out of my life and my dad was in and out of it. I always afraid when good people enter my life that I don’t deserve them to be in it, and just think about how heartbroken I’ll be the day they walk out. I feel it’s inevitable, people leaving. I don’t think anyone sticks around. I’m afraid this fear of mine, is what drives people away. I push people away once they get close to me because I feel that why should anyone get to know that vulnerable side of me if they just are going to leave eventually. 

As you can see, I have some emotional baggage. I know that probably isn’t an attractive trait about someone. But, this makes me unique. I’m trying to heal this and embrace the adversity and challenges that life has thrown me. Its starts with addressing the issues and talking about them.

Sincerely, 

 A young and curious girl looking for healing and growth

raw

It’s been awhile since I have written. I don’t know why its harder these days. I think its because I don’t know how to be as raw. I have more of a unconscious filter and don’t know how to be as vulnerable anymore.

Ever since my breakup with him I haven’t let myself be as authentic because my feelings were invalidated so many times. I got to the point where I would think a thought and just assume it was invalid and never speak of it before I could be shut down. But the truth is I felt so much pain and hurt from that relationship during it and after. But also I have never felt freer than I have once I was completely over him.

I realized a lot of by myself after the fact. Boys are dumb first off. Men are where it’s at.

I am more than what one person thinks of me. I am independent. And I can seriously get through everything. Dude. My strength during the breakup, suicide attempt and pregnancy is unparalleled. I do not know how I got through all of that. Well I do. It was the people around me reminding me of how wonderful life was and that I was going to get past this stage and one day look back with gratitude. And yes, I am looking back at last year Haley and smiling. Haley who just wanted the approval of a boy and to be good enough for someone who I was way better than. If I had never left that relationship I would have been so limited and not allowed myself to be more or do more of feel guilty for not doing the things that I thought he wanted me to do. (things he was interested in.)

I have my own thoughts, desires, and passions. And I am relearning what those are. After losing myself for so long.

I once did everything for someone who would not do half as much for me. I lost myself trying to be loved. When all I needed to do was love myself. On that note. Self-love isn’t vain. Self-love is respectful towards yourself and those around you. Its’ practical, viable and necessary. I’m learning every day to love myself by expressing patience towards myself and not allowing for negativity into my life.

dec 17 2015

i am me, take me or leave me.

A new kind of low

“I hate you”. I screamed as tears fell down my cheeks. I felt a million different emotions and feelings hit me at once. & I just didn’t know how to handle them I guess. I continued to sob and yell at you that “I wish I had never loved you, or chosen to be with you”. I could feel my words sting and I wanted to take them back as soon as I had said them.  I kept asking you to stay but we both knew you couldn’t for you were fighting your own battle.

I have had many heartbreaks, but nothing had felt like this. I physically made myself sick and threw up outside of your car. You rushed to my side, and told me everything was going to be okay. In that moment, I knew they weren’t. I wonderend if you could feel even the slightest amount of pain that I felt. My head was pounding, all I wanted to do is ask “why? why were you leaving? why wasn’t I good enough? why?”  but I was too afraid the answer would create a deeper sense of hurt than I was already feeling in the moment.

 

Stop

Please.

Just stop. Stop

That never happened

Since the day I learned how to talk, and process things. The words “That never happened” or “you’re wrong” have come out of my parents mouths. This took a huge hit to my self-esteem and made me afraid to speak. Speak my mind, and say how I feeling or what I think.

Passionate as sin

When we first broke up I was so mad. I hated you. I didn’t want to ever see you again.

You sparked something inside me that I can’t seem to put my finger on. A fire inside of me, that no matter how many people I’ve been with since just to erase your stupid memory I can’t get over. The fights all seemed pointless, we fought about everything. We were either all in or not talking to each other, there was no in between.

You thought I didn’t care about you when, I talked to my other friends. You thought I didn’t want to talk to you, when I didn’t give you my full attention.

Maybe what we had didn’t mean a thing, but it to me it was worth every fight, it was worth every tear.

I loved how much you loved people, and life.

You’re the kind of person that will always be in the back of my mind at the end of the day.

Thank you for seeing me for who I am, and loving me wholeheartlely when you did.

 

and now the world decides to fall apart

What the heck happened? I thought telling the truth would help, would help the fall. I thought things would go the way I wanted them too, nope.

I’m totally over my head.

Hello world!

As obviously displayed my name is Haley. I started this blog, to better express the things that go on in my life, like most people I have been through a lot in my lifetime. I won’t give too much information on myself because I want this to remain anonymous. Since I’ll be writing about personal stuff on here..Now I’ll tell you a little about me,  I’m actually a really happy person, who loves everyone but has trouble being accepted by others. No there’s nothing out of the ordinary about me that makes people not like me. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have aren’t really friends, they tend to treat me like garbage. But, I can’t find any better friends. So I guess I’m stuck with I got. There’s actually this new girl her name is Lillian, she seems like a promising friend. A good one. But, I’m not good with words, and I’m awkward so yeah…anyways I know this is cheesy so far so I’ll shut up now,