i am me, take me or leave me.
“I hate you”. I screamed as tears fell down my cheeks. I felt a million different emotions and feelings hit me at once. & I just didn’t know how to handle them I guess. I continued to sob and yell at you that “I wish I had never loved you, or chosen to be with you”. I could feel my words sting and I wanted to take them back as soon as I had said them. I kept asking you to stay but we both knew you couldn’t for you were fighting your own battle.
I have had many heartbreaks, but nothing had felt like this. I physically made myself sick and threw up outside of your car. You rushed to my side, and told me everything was going to be okay. In that moment, I knew they weren’t. I wonderend if you could feel even the slightest amount of pain that I felt. My head was pounding, all I wanted to do is ask “why? why were you leaving? why wasn’t I good enough? why?” but I was too afraid the answer would create a deeper sense of hurt than I was already feeling in the moment.
Just stop. Stop
Since the day I learned how to talk, and process things. The words “That never happened” or “you’re wrong” have come out of my parents mouths. This took a huge hit to my self-esteem and made me afraid to speak. Speak my mind, and say how I feeling or what I think.
When we first broke up I was so mad. I hated you. I didn’t want to ever see you again.
You sparked something inside me that I can’t seem to put my finger on. A fire inside of me, that no matter how many people I’ve been with since just to erase your stupid memory I can’t get over. The fights all seemed pointless, we fought about everything. We were either all in or not talking to each other, there was no in between.
You thought I didn’t care about you when, I talked to my other friends. You thought I didn’t want to talk to you, when I didn’t give you my full attention.
Maybe what we had didn’t mean a thing, but it to me it was worth every fight, it was worth every tear.
I loved how much you loved people, and life.
You’re the kind of person that will always be in the back of my mind at the end of the day.
Thank you for seeing me for who I am, and loving me wholeheartlely when you did.
What the heck happened? I thought telling the truth would help, would help the fall. I thought things would go the way I wanted them too, nope.
I’m totally over my head.